Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

Last weekend Disney Channel did a Circle of Stars version of Do You Want to Build a Snowman from Frozen (here’s the link if you’re curious) and it reminded me how much I love that song. It’s actually my favorite song from the movie because in addition to being adorable/touching and the song my mom and I sang variations of to each other over the phone almost every day for like 5 months after we saw the movie (which was the “midnight” 8pm showing the night before it opened), it’s really relatable. True, most of us don’t have sisters with magical powers who locked themselves away to avoid hurting us, but I think almost all of us have been in a situation like Anna and Elsa’s at least once in our lives. We might have been Elsa, hiding away for whatever reason, or we might have been Anna, desperately trying to get the person on the other side of that metaphorical door to just come out and talk. Either way, it’s hard to be in that situation and it takes real love to resolve.

There are numerous reasons why people hide themselves away: They’re tired of hurting people or scared they’re going to do so. They’re ashamed of who they are or something they’ve done. They feel lost or angry or upset or like a failure and don’t want people feeling sorry for them or to make them confront whatever is causing the negative feelings; so they think it’s better to just hide away where no one can ask them what’s wrong. They’re tired of being rejected and they decide to just reject the world in hopes that it will make the rejection hurt a little less. They feel like a burden and think the best way to avoid that is by getting out of everyone’s lives.

But as Anna says in the movie, “No one wants to be alone.” I think no matter how much people isolate themselves, no matter how introverted they are, they don’t want to be truly alone. We’re social creatures by nature and we need to be connected with people in some way. True connections, not superficial ones. The kind where you know the other person is there, where it’s mutual, where both of you can be completely honest with each other and tell each other anything and know the other will still accept you, where you can talk about light-hearted things but also heavy subjects, where you just “get” each other and can be yourself. These can be family connections or friend connections, and they’re the kind where even if you’re thousands of miles apart (either literally or figuratively) that connection doesn’t fade.

That’s where the Annas of the world come in. They love the Elsas and they still try to keep that connection even when the Elsas try to shut them and the world out. They keep asking “Do you want to build a snowman?” and don’t give up on the Elsas no matter how much the Elsa’s say to go away and no matter how much time has passed. They check up on them and let them know that they’re not alone. That they are wanted, that they are loved. That it’s okay to be scared because they’re right out there to be with them through the scary things. And they let all the Elsas know that all they need to do is let the Annas in by opening that door.

I think sometimes all the Elsas really need are their loved ones assuring them that they do love them and that it’d better if they’re together because the Elsas long for that connection. Look how close Elsa was to Anna—she didn’t go onto the other side of the room whenever Anna knocked, but rather was either close enough to listen or right there pressed up against the door. She also didn’t isolate herself from her parents, but just kept her physical distance because she didn’t want to hurt them. The thing with human relationships is we’re always going to end up hurting each other and arguing, even with the people we love most in the world. But it’s because we love them that we forgive them when they hurt us. It’s because we love them that we accept them for who they are and we still care about them no matter what is going on in their lives. But sometimes we forget this and think we’re not lovable or loved and we need to be reminded that we are. Sometimes we don’t even realize that we have hidden ourselves away until someone comes and knocks on that door. But like Elsa discovered, hiding doesn’t solve anything. We aren’t free when we’re alone and we don’t stop hurting others by hiding away from them.

The Annas need the Elsas too. A good chunk of the lyrics in Do You Want to Build a Snowman are about how Anna is lonely and not only wants Elsa to come play with her and be friends like before, but also to be with her so they can get through the hard times together. Real friendship is a mutual thing and when the Elsas hide away it makes the Annas sad because they miss being with them. The knocking on the door is because the Annas love the Elsas and thus are concerned about them, but also because the Annas yearn for that friendship to be like it was before and to spend time with that person. If you’re an Elsa, trust the Annas when they come knocking that they really do care and love you, and open up the door. If they took the effort to knock, it means they want to be with you and they will accept you no matter what. Friends do things together—they help each other out. And when the Annas and Elsas are together, it’s a wonderful thing and great things can come of it. Perhaps not as dramatic as thawing out an eternal winter and turning the kingdom into an ice park, but true friends bring out the best in each other and help each other reach their fullest potential.

If we notice a friend has withdrawn, it might be a good idea to see how they’re doing—send them a friendly message just letting them know you care. Even a simple “hey what’s up it’s been awhile I miss you” kind of thing or just a fun video from someplace like Youtube with a message along the lines of “I thought you’d like this” would be good ways to start. Knock on their door. Ask whatever your equivalent is for “Do you want to build a snowman?” Of course use your best judgment for what would be the most productive way to reach out, but whatever you decide on, just do that. If they reject you, let them know that the offer still stands and that you’re there for them if they want to talk or hang out or whatever. Try knocking again later. Don’t give up on them and be patient. If you can’t help them or reach out to them, perhaps you know someone else who can.

Now all this is for people going through rough times or hiding out for any of the reasons I listed at the beginning. This isn’t talking about people with medical conditions, like depression. In those cases, the Annas need to reach out in whatever ways make the most sense for the situation and assist the Elsas so they can get the medical help they need. This also isn’t talking about cases where the person really wants nothing to do with you and they’re only hiding away from you (although that case might require some talking just to patch up the friendship to the point you can be civil and friendly to each other even if you’re not friends anymore). And I realize that some people withdraw because they do really want that alone time. I know I tend to become an “academic hermit” during super busy times at school, like midterms and finals, because I need to sort of shut the world out in order to focus and get everything done. Sometimes people just get busy with life and that’s a very different kind of withdrawing than the Elsa situation. So it’s important to be aware of those possibilities but even in those cases simply reaching out to the person and letting them know you’re there when they do want to talk or hang out can mean a lot.

A lot of times, though, the Elsas don’t have Annas in their lives. I think that’s where we as Christians (or really any of us with a big heart) are called to step up. Sometimes it’s hard to identify the Elsas because they hide themselves away so well, but other times, you can clearly tell who they are. Showing them friendship or any simple act of kindness or letting them know you’re there for them can be a huge thing. We need to be that little bit of light in their darkness. Sometimes they’re just shy, but even then reaching out by saying hi or sitting with them at lunch can really brighten their day, and possibly lead to a new friendship between you two if you discover you have things in common. It’s true reaching out to strangers or mere acquaintances can be harder and sometimes they lash out at us. In those cases we might ask advice from a trusted adult—a teacher, our parents, a religious leader, etc—for what we should do in that specific situation.

Like the Fixer-Upper song says, “people make bad choices when they’re mad or scared or stressed. But throw a little love their way and you’ll bring out their best.” We do tend to make bad choices under those circumstances, such as hiding ourselves away from the world or harming ourselves or others. But I think if all of us act loving towards every person we meet it can make a positive difference. Think about it—when some stranger acts like a total jerk to you for no reason, you get upset, often for the rest of the day. But when a stranger shows you an act of kindness for no reason, it makes you happy, often for the rest of the day. We’re called to be that stranger who is kind to all we meet, even if that kindness is as simple as genuinely smiling when you make eye contact with people as you pass them by.

A similar situation can occur with our relationship with God where we’re the Elsa and shut ourselves off from God. The reasons for why we might do this are too numerous to list, but in general they stem from fear of God (either the good kind of fearing Him because He’s so amazing or the bad kind of fearing He’s so powerful He could kill us at any moment), anger at God, apathy towards God, or being ashamed of something we’ve done/being frozen in our sin and not wanting to turn to Him. 

But just like how Anna was always there waiting for Elsa, God is there waiting too and continually knocking and asking the equivalent of “Do you want to build a snowman?” by asking “Do you want a relationship with me?” We might tell Him to go away like Elsa did with Anna when they were really little kids. We might ignore Him like Elsa did when they were older kids. Or we might be like teenage Elsa, sitting pressed up against the door, just wishing we had the courage to open it up and desperately wanting to reconnect, but still being unable to because we’re so frozen in whatever reason made us turn away in the first place. Whatever stage we’re at, no matter how many years go by, God is still there right outside that door waiting for us to come back. Even when we hurt Him through our sins or by ignoring Him, He’s still right there and loves us just as much—similar to how even after Elsa hurt Anna with her powers and kicked her out of the ice palace, Anna still showed unconditional love and sacrificed herself to save Elsa. God did the same for us when Jesus died for us. He loves us no matter what, and all we have to do is turn back to Him and reconnect. He wants a relationship with us as much as we long for one with Him and we need to remember that no matter how flawed we are or how many times we’re going to keep hurting Him, He will always love us and be there for us.

Whether we’re connected to God or not—although this is especially true when we are connected to Him—He asks us a second variation on “Do you want to build a snowman?” by asking “Do you want to do what I’m calling you to do?” This calling is different for every person and we usually have several things He is calling us to do. It can be a calling for a specific vocation. It can be a calling to develop and use our talents. It can be a calling to reach out to people in our lives, whether they’re family or friends or neighbors. Much like how Elsa did not fully become herself until she came out and said (with her actions), “Yes, I want to build a snowman!” we don’t fully become ourselves until we accept that calling and start to act on it. Even if you’re not religious in any way, it’s likely that you still feel deep down that you were born to do something. So listen to that inner voice (which according to the Catholic theologian Thomas Merton is actually God’s voice within us) that calls you and drives you to do the things that make you feel the most alive. The things you know are what you’re supposed to be doing with your life. When we say yes to whatever our equivalent is of “Do you want to build a snowman” is we form or strengthen a connection—whether it’s with a family member or friend, God, or however our calling intersects with the world—and that connection helps to bring a little bit more light into this dark world and help turn the winter into summer. 

Love in All Vocations

So this is the post I mentioned in my intro post that I wrote for my best friend’s blog. She wrote a beautiful post about how God writes different love stories for each person (which you can read here: God Writes Our Love Story). This sparked a fun discussion where I shared all my ponderings about what she said, and she suggested I write them up as a guest blog post. While she still hasn’t posted it on her site, I want to share what I wrote here because it ties in to what I was saying in the previous post about how there are many different kinds of love and how they all have true love at the base. I believe when love is true, every type of love is equally valuable and meaningful and fulfilling. So here are my ponderings (a little more formal than normal since I wanted to match her blog’s more serious tone and what’s below is verbatim to what I sent to her) about how all the vocations have love in them:

**********

As far back as elementary school I remember being told by numerous sources—including my religion textbooks—that marriage is the best and highest vocation, followed closely by the religious life, and that the single vocation isn’t a “real” vocation, but rather a third category for those who don’t fit into the other two boxes. The single life was painted as being doomed, lonely, and like you somehow failed to live up to whatever God’s real vocation for you was. Seeing how much joy marriage brought my parents, who were best friends before they started dating and have been happily married for 36 years, I agreed with everything I heard. Aside from a few brief moments when I considered religious life and decided “nope, not for me” I grew up believing strongly that I was called for marriage. It was my greatest dream to get married and have kids.

But as I got older I started to question that. It didn’t feel like that was what God was calling me to do, despite most of my friends and family members insisting that it was my destiny to get married and have kids and to even think otherwise was crazy talk. This wasn’t a matter of despair from failed relationships or being career-driven and not wanting to be “tied down.” It was just an inkling of a calling.

Senior year of college during a chat with my favorite professor and dear friend, who is a Jesuit priest, he told me that one of the reasons he loves being a priest is that his time isn’t divided between service and all the aspects married life has, such as spending time with his wife and kids and providing for them. He can fully devote himself to serving others, whether it’s his students or the homeless and other vulnerable population communities he ministers too. And he definitely does this—he’s always there when anyone needs spiritual direction, has more office hours than any of my other professors, and is one of the few people I know who does multiple hours of direct service every single week.

That really resonated with me—I felt like that was what God is calling me to do too, minus the religious life aspect. The idea of having all that time to spend devoted to my work (which is for a Catholic organization), to my service activities (both ministry at Church and to the poor), and to my friends and family felt right.

Now it’s true some people are superheroes and can devote tons of time and energy to their spouse, kids, other family members, friends, service of all kinds, and their jobs. I’m in awe of people like that and applaud them for being that amazing and fully using every aspect of the talents God gave them. But even in those cases, there are only so many hours in a day and every hour spent for one thing is one hour less on something else. We all can’t do everything and each of us is called to a different vocation because of that. It’s the notion of the many stones building up the Church and the many parts making one body. Each person has a unique stone and that variation is what allows all of us together to build up a magnificent Church. Each person is a different part of the body and in order to optimally function, we need the all of the parts and in the right amounts. We can’t all be hearts or brains or lungs, just as we can’t all be spouses or priests or singles. And just as hearts, brains, and lungs are all equally valuable and essential to sustain life, all three vocations are equally valuable and necessary for a healthy society.

Just like marriage or religious life, the single life is a vocation. It’s not a state of waiting as you discern religious life or wait for your future spouse to come into your life. It’s not a state of despair thinking that no one will ever love you or that all the good guys are taken or gay or priests. It’s a calling and active choice just like the other vocations. God calls us to the vocation that best fits His plan for us and the talents/gifts He’s given us, which vary for each person. For instance, the talents/gifts God gave me seem best fitting for the single vocation, while those he gave my best friend seem best fitting for marriage. It’s true that sometimes God calls us to multiple vocations, like He did with St. Elizabeth Ann Seton who was called to married life and religious life. And I am keeping my heart open to God’s will for me vocation-wise so that if He wants me to change vocations at some point in my life, I will. But right now I feel He’s calling me to the single vocation and I choose to accept this as my permanent vocation and will live it out to the best of my abilities.

This doesn’t mean I’m going to live out the rest of my life alone. Just because single people don’t live with someone 24/7 like married people or people in a religious community do, that doesn’t mean they have no friends or family or connections with people. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I think the single vocation is poorly name and would be better called the community vocation or something similar because those of us in that vocation are called to use our extra time to be with others and to engage in our communities in the way that best makes sense with our talents. We are able to be there for friends in need, for family members, for co-workers, for the poor and vulnerable in our community, and/or for our parish’s outreach and ministry. While we may not be pouring out love to our spouse and kids, we do pour out love to others in our community, whether this community is large or small.

One of the priests at the parish I go to in the summer told us this past Mother’s Day that all women are called to motherhood, even those who never marry or have kids, because we are all called to spiritual motherhood. Usually this spiritual motherhood is lived out through caring for our actual children, but he told us that when it’s not it can be lived out through caring for all of the people in our lives by showing them that same selfless and self-sacrificial love that mothers do for their children. That really resonated with me too as the kind of motherhood God is calling me to do. And while that priest was talking about girls, I think the same thing applies to guys too because it seems logical that there’s a spiritual fatherhood as well, where guys act out the love that God has for us towards the people in their lives in the same way that fathers do for their children.

The single vocation is not lonely or full of gloom and doom. It is full of connections and joy as you go forth into your community to love and serve the Lord and one another. There are many love stories that God writes for us, and not all of them are romantic. There is love in family, love in friendship, love of neighbor, and of course love of God. As Christians, we believe the only way to truly be fulfilled and complete is by being with God. The best way to do that is by embracing the vocation God calls you to—whichever one that may be—and living out what they all have in common: staying connected to God and using all of the talents He gave you in service of God and others by exemplifying the love He showed us. 

Definitions of Love

Since I will likely spend a lot of entries talking about love, I figured it’d be a good idea to start off this blog with a post about how I define all the various types of love so you know what I mean when I talk about them. Plus what kind of philosopher would I be if I didn’t start off with a definitions post. :P Love is a word that is thrown around so causally in our culture that it’s ceased to have its true definition anymore and it can vary from the most trivial type of love to the most profound. I’ll admit, even I’m guilty of using the word casually when it applies to non-human things, such as saying things like, “I love Hey Arnold!” or “I love penguins!” or “I love sandwiches!” While I do love those things, it’s not REAL love. It’s love in the meaning of “it’s one of my favorite things.” When applied to non-human things this is harmless, so long as we’re not carrying over this definition to our relationships with people. While you can causally say you love a food without any real consequences, casually saying you love a person you really don’t can cause confusion, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings.

Now there are many kinds of love when it comes to people, and many cultures were smart enough to have separate words for each of these. In our culture, we tend to either lump them all together under the umbrella of the word love or add extra words around them when we really need to be clear. I prefer to separate them out as much as possible using those extra words. To name the broadest categories, there’s friendship love, family love, neighborly love, spiritual love (aka love of God), and romantic love, and these all have true love at their core.

True love is not a feeling of happiness or a fluffy floaty singing type feeling. It’s not a feeling at all. It’s a decision to care despite how you feel. It’s a choice that you will care for that person no matter what and act selflessly towards them and promote their well-being. Whether things are going great between you, whether you’re angry at each other. Whether you live near each other and can hang out every day or whether you live countries apart and you can only talk on rare occasions like each other’s birthdays. Good, bad, everything in between, you still care for and about them and you will be there for them. Regardless of the type of love that it is, this aspect of caring for them no matter what is what makes it true love. It takes all of those aspects in  the 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 of being patient, kind, not rejoicing in the wrong doings, not seeking its own interests, etc in order to live out this type of love. And it takes a lot of strength and effort to do this. We can get this strength from God as well as examples of how to live it out from His son.

Most of the types of love get further divided into sub-categories based on the specific type or the level of intensity. Those sub-categories tend to be agreed on in our culture, but there can be variation in how people define the sub-categories of romantic love, as what people label as love can range from what I define as a crush all the way up to true romantic love. Crush is the lowest level, where you’re attracted to the person based on what surface characteristics you know about them, such as their looks, but also surface personality traits such as their general demeanor or basic knowledge about them, such as what clubs they’re in at school or what their job is. You like what you know about them, but you don’t know very much, so it’s at the crush level. It’s also the “love at first sight” and infatuation stage. It’s quick-forming and short term, ending as you get to know the person better and decide “ugh no way!” or it turns into liking them.

Liking them is where you’re attracted to the person based on who they really are. It’s where you know the person well enough to asses compatibility and say that yes they would be good for me and I would be good for them. This tends to last for a while, but how long that while is varies for each person. This is also the stage where people tend to date each other. It’s still part of the infatuation stage, but it has potential to be more and transform into actual love because you’re getting to know the person for who they are.

Next up is really really liking someone. In elementary school I invented the silly word of “liove” to describe it since it’s in-between liking and loving someone. At this stage, you care for them in a deep way, you know who they are on a deeper level, and you’re attracted to who that deep level person is. This is the dangerous spot because it’s where people often think they’re in love because it’s definitely more than liking someone, but in reality it’s just really really liking someone.

Finally, the top stage is love aka romantic love aka true love. This is where you know the person extremely well, including all of their flaws and idiosyncrasies, but you still care about them for who they are and accept them for every aspect of themselves as they truly are and you both can be 100% yourselves around each other and still care just as much. It’s where you have all the characteristics of true love for caring no matter what in addition to the romantic attachment and attraction, which was present at all the other levels. You bring out the best in each other and help each other to grow into even better people. This is where you care about them to the point of wanting to be with them forever and making that commitment of marriage. Where no matter how old or ugly they become, where no matter how angry or annoyed you get with them, where no matter what life throws at them, you still stand by their side and care about them because you love them.

When love means that much, that’s why it’s important to simply say you like someone when you like them, as opposed to saying you love them when you don’t actually mean it. It’s not good to tell someone you care that much when you don’t, or say it just because you feel like you have to. It’s true that you could love someone you’re dating as a friend or even in the “love your neighbor” sense but only like them, so telling them you love them in that case would technically still be correct. However, it can make for some awkward or heartbreaking moments down the road when that person finds out you don’t feel the way you indicated and that you two aren’t on the same page.

In theory, people should be able to tell the difference between the various “I love you” phrases based on tone or body language to discern which level of love it is. I’ve noticed that in anime and manga, they often subtitle or translate suki (I like you), daisuki (I really like you), and aishiteru (I love you) all as “I love you.” But the context does indicate that they’re different levels of love, so I can tell which one they mean despite the generic translation. Suki usually comes from younger characters confessing to their crush, daisuki is usually between characters who have known each other for a long time confessing their feelings or between couples, and aishiteru is usually between the couples who are truly in love and either engaged or married. 

But the thing is, real life isn’t so clear-cut and feelings complicate things and cloud judgment. We often misinterpret the body language and the tone (not just in regards to love, but for many things), confusing one subcategory with another. While love isn’t a feeling, feelings are involved when we’re dealing with people in all types of relationships and these feelings can make us think we love someone, when we actually don’t. It’s easy to think or say you love someone romantically when things are going well between you two or when you’re snuggled close to them. Many couples assume that happy feeling is love, so they tell each other they love each other, get married, and then after some time realize that they didn’t love each other, they just had strong feelings for each other. Feelings fade over time, but love doesn’t. That’s how you can tell if you really love the person—if when you don’t have positive feelings, you still care about them. And caring isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. Love is an active thing and when it’s true, like the 1 Corinthians verse says, it bears all things, endures all things, and never fails.